Once upon a time, my husband Brian and I, had all the time in the world for each other…a magical time where we could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. And at the heart of our marriage, even reinforced in the last line of our wedding vows, was our friendship. My husband is, without a doubt, the best friend I have ever had.
When you have kids…a shift occurs. Sometimes it’s so stealthy that you can’t even tell it’s happening. You no longer have all the time in the world for your spouse…your time together is just as magical, but in a completely different way. Both you and your spouse naturally agree that you would gladly trade all of the time you had alone with each other to raise a beautiful family. Having children with Brian was something I had dreamt about since we started dating in high school.
But this post is NOT about how much we love our children, of course we do…nor is this post about how grateful we are that we are raising a family, of course we are. This post is about how my husband and I found our way back to each other through the craziness that is “being a new parent.”
As a woman, after you have children, you often begin to feel pulled in two directions…mother vs. wife. However, at the end of the day, your husband will generally come last and your children will come first, especially when you have young kids. And admittedly, my husband would not have had this any other way.
Now, before I get into the next part of this story, I must point out that my husband is not what you call a “sensitive soul.” Brian doesn’t let things ruffle his feathers, he doesn’t really complain about much, and his motto is normally “come what may.”
However, one night when our baby was around six months old, Brian asked if “we could talk.” I quickly said, “Of course, what’s up?” while cleaning the house, and not really making eye contact.
He said, “No really, I need you to hear me.” This got my attention, because this was out of character for him. I put down whatever I was cleaning at the time, and I sat down next to him on the couch.
He said, “I don’t even know how to say this without sounding selfish, because I am so incredibly grateful and happy with our life right now…but I really miss you…I miss my best friend.” I just stared at him. At first, I thought to myself, “What on earth is he talking about?” But then…I really stopped to think about it. I was so caught up in our new baby and our new life as a family of three it had never occurred to me that our relationship had shifted. I realized that he was absolutely right…and when I barely gave it any thought at all…I realized that I really missed him too. I missed US.
It’s stressful being a new parent, and we were trying to figure out how to raise a child while we both worked full-time. We were exhausted and, quite frankly, just “existing” in the same space, breathing the same air…while each of us went through our daily routine and took care of our son. The last thing we were doing was focusing on our relationship.
So, we sat down, and I came up with a plan. From then on…we would have a DATE NIGHT-IN every week. And even now, two kids later, we still do this. We put it on the schedule every week…and after our little guys go to bed we have our date night right at our own house. Now, I realize for some, this may not be a huge revelation…but I also equally believe that there may be some couples out there that have never thought about “dating at home.”
Sometimes, we watch a movie and make popcorn in our pajamas. Sometimes, we get dressed up and cook a nice steak dinner together. Sometimes, we drink beer and eat pizza…stacking up pillows on the floor for a makeshift picnic. Sometimes, we play cards or board games. Sometimes, we make a fire on the patio and listen to music while we lay under the stars. Sometimes, we pull out our old vinyl records and listen to whole albums at a time. Sometimes, we stay up late, sometimes, we fall asleep early. BUT WE ALWAYS, ALWAYS RECONNECT.
Recently, I started asking Brian random questions when we have our date nights. I like to see how much he may or may not have changed over the years…he normally always surprises me with his answers in one way or another.
And last week, when we went on vacation…we decided to have a night cap on the balcony. Brian had been traveling the prior week, and this was the first time in days that I was really able to talk to him.
I thought to myself, I need to find fifty questions for us to answer. So, I went through the list I had in my head, and then I defaulted to the internet to finish out the rest of the questions. We had a great time! It was incredibly insightful and also pretty funny.
I loved the mix between the silly and serious and the self-reflection and honesty. When we were done, we had both learned some new information about the thirty-five-year-old versions of ourselves. I mean, seriously, when was the last time your spouse asked you fifty questions about yourself?
If you and your spouse are in need of a date night-in…I have just the thing to get the conversation started! Below, I have listed out fifty questions, a mix between real conversation and funny single answers…all of which, will get you thinking, and keep your spouse guessing.
So, cuddle up with your spouse, put on some music, light a fire, and reconnect with your best friend!
My Best, and As Always…
50 QUESTIONS TO ASK and ANSWER WITH YOUR SPOUSE
- What is my favorite food?
- What is my favorite color?
- What is one vice that I can’t live without?
- The zombie apocalypse is coming, you can pick three people, who is on your team and why?
- What is your favorite part about our life together?
- What do I do really well?
- How can I be a better wife/husband?
- If you could listen to only one song for an entire month, what song would you pick?
- If you could have dinner with two famous people, who would you pick? Why?
- If you could have any super power, what would it be?
- Do you have any regrets?
- What is the sexiest feature I possess?
- What personality trait of mine do you love? What trait could use some fine tuning?
- Besides our children, what is our greatest accomplishment as a couple?
- If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
- How did I make you smile this week?
- When did you know that you were in love with me?
- How are we similar? How are we different?
- What was your first impression of me?
- One meal for the rest of your life…what would it be?
- Describe your perfect day.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses with our children?
- How often do you think we should be intimate? How can I better meet your physical desires/needs?
- What’s the best surprise you have ever received?
- What do I do that makes you feel special and appreciated?
- Where do you want to retire?
- If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three movies would you take with you?
- If you could meet one famous musician (dead or alive) and sing karaoke with them, who would it be?
- Have I ever made you doubt how much I love you?
- If you had to describe me in three words, what would they be?
- When do you think I look the most attractive?
- If you could do one thrilling activity (ex: skydiving), without fear of getting injured, what would you do?
- Beach or mountains? Cabin in the woods or high rise in a city?
- What is your favorite book?
- What is your favorite vacation that we have taken?
- What is your biggest dream?
- Your parents’ marriage. What is one thing you want us to mimic? What is one thing you want us to avoid?
- What’s one thing that I have never done for you that you wish I would?
- What’s your first memory?
- What’s the happiest memory from your childhood?
- What’s the most difficult memory from your childhood?
- What’s your biggest fear?
- How do we love differently?
- What do you wish for our child/children’s future?
- Where do you see us in 10 years? 20 years?
- What overwhelms you? What calms you?
- How have I changed since we got married?
- What hobby do you think we should take up together?
- What are three decisions that you made in your life that allowed us to find each other?
- What are your favorite memories of our marriage and life together?